As I looked at the week ahead and the dates printed on my wall calendar, I couldn’t help but realize that I would have been halfway through my pregnancy by now. 20 weeks. It dawned on me that its the middle of April and when I first got pregnant, I said to Brian, “You know, by the middle of April we will know if we will welcome a son or a daughter into the world!” You could say I had a moment there at my wall calendar this morning. No tears, but just a moment of reflection. I talk about my miscarriage quite often, especially since many people like to ask me questions such as, “Are you done having kids?” or “Are you going to try again for another?” I’m not shy about sharing my story. My miscarriage is apart of who I am now and its something I will most likely always talk about with women until well… forever. Through my conversations though, many people like to offer up their reasons why or they like to comment on miscarriage thinking that they are being helpful & saying the right thing; when in fact, what they are saying can be really hurtful. I’m writing this post so that people will know what NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage.
Night before Easter – Conversation with Rocco:
Me- (after telling Rocco the Easter Story) “and now Jesus lives!”
Rocco- “Where does he live? Does he live in Pittsburgh?”
Me- “Jesus lives in your heart! Jesus loves you and is there for you. He keeps you safe…”
Rocco- “But no. When is he gonna get out of my heart?”
Me- “Well, we don’t want Jesus to leave us.”
Rocco- “Are we going to see Jesus tomorrow?”
Me- “Well, no. We can’t see Jesus but we always know He is there.”
Rocco- “But why?”
*sigh* It was his 45th “but why?” and between that and Rocco not wanting Jesus to be in his heart & instead be in Pittsburgh…I couldn’t handle much more of this- especially after Brian nearly fell in the toilet after baths when he went to sit down to dry Roman with a towel. It was clear we were both exhausted and now this? It was kind of a sweet little conversation but very confusing if I must say so myself! We had a long day and I still had much to do to prepare for Easter Day! I ended it with, “Jesus lives in your heart. Good Night.” and closed the door.
Easter Morning Conversation:
Me- “Let’s give the boys their Easter Baskets this afternoon.”
Bri- “Good Idea.”
Me- “You know, because it will be a fight about how much candy they can eat and then they’ll be bouncing off the walls by the time we get to brunch. It could be disastrous.”
Bri- “Yeah, good thinking. We’ll give it to them after naps. Bribe them with it while we’re out. Good Behavior = Easter Baskets. Bad Behavior = NO Easter Baskets.”
Me- “That’s nice Bri. *eye roll* Well, I should pack a bag for them, right?” (fyi- bag of stuff to occupy them over family brunch)
Me- “What do you think I should put in it?”
Bri- “We should just give them sedatives.”
Me- “No, seriously.”
Me- “Really Brian. What do you think?”
Bri- “We could bring the iPad?……. *thinking* NO. They’ll just fight over it. Nevermind.”
Me- “I’ll figure it out.”
SEDATIVES. Really? SEDATIVES. It was funny but the word came out of his mouth just as if I asked him something like, “What do you want to drink?” and he said, “Water!” He was so sure when he looked at me and said SEDATIVES. Do you think people really do that? We dressed the boys and doted over their cuteness – they are ours! I really couldn’t get over how cute they looked. and how their pants would be trashed within an hour. I called my parents and begged for them to come over to take a family photo of us. We don’t have a recent photo and the fact that we are all showered and clean at the same time looking pretty good was a MUST that we take a picture. The photo session was a little like the one I showed you at Christmas. In each photo, one of the boys is doing something and if they aren’t, half of my hair is in my face or Brian’s looking down at the boys. This is the best one. No, seriously.
I’m constantly telling people that babies/children/kids THRIVE on a routine yet I’m not sure when I’ll ever learn that my kids CANNOT have their routine broken or they throw fits, tantrums, have melt-downs, etc. WHEN WILL I LEARN??? Monday we stay home, T/TH we have pre-school, Wednesday we run errands and maybe have a play-date and Friday we always have a play-date or go somewhere special. My boys wake at 7 and get a glass of milk first thing. They eat breakfast shortly there-after and then have a morning full of books and play. By 11:45, lunch is on the table. They both nap at 1, maybe 1:15 and wake btwn 3 & 4. They have a light snack upon waking and then dinner is on the table at 5:30. Daddy walks in the door at 6:30 and then they all play outside. Their bed-time routine starts at 7:30pm and by 8:00pm, they are tucked in their beds, lights out and we do it all over again the next day.
I KNOW THIS IS THEIR SCHEDULE.
I KNOW THIS IS THEIR ROUTINE.
I KNOW THEY THRIVE ON THIS SCHEDULE.
Yet somehow, without a doubt, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I push them or change their routine by allowing them to say, play longer at the park, stay up later to visit with friends or family, rush them in the morning instead of allowing them to eat breakfast at the table… I PAY FOR IT. Every time. They have meltdowns, tantrums, find new attitudes they want to share, throw fits…. Its my own fault. Well today, I’m paying for it. Rocco’s cousin is in from out of town and yesterday we had 18 bodies in our house. 18. I mean, that right there threw their routine off but in a great way!
It was fun & fabulous, a day full of candy, egg hunts, play time, movies, good food and lots of laughter!
I’m losing my patience today. Actually, I’ve lost it. Its gone. I can’t find it and you know what? I’m not even gonna look for it. If I don’t sit down right now, I know one more thing will happen and I’ll be pushed over the edge today. I know the saying goes, “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well, guess what? I can’t handle MY DOG anymore. Beau is driving. me. up. a. WALL. He adds so much un-needed stress to my day and I seriously need him out of here. In fact, so much so, I put him outside this morning and shut the door. Yep, I did. I shut the door. He stood there and I went upstairs to put Roman’s clean quilt on his bed. Then, I ran the vacuum on the 2nd floor. Rocco let him in. Lucky dog, he knew I had no plans of doing such a thing. I think people just think I’m kidding about needing to find another home for this dog but I’m not! Oh trust me, I’m not kidding. You see, as if you don’t know this: Our patience as mothers is already tested on on day to day basis with our children. In my case, one that entered the ‘Terrible Twos’ and another who is exiting the ‘Terrible Three’s’ and entering into the ‘I found my attitude’ stage. Its amazing, I’m obsessed with my kids, but they absolutely test me and my patience at least once per day. Now add my DOG to the craziness of 1046 and its enough to make me want to punch a hole in the wall (and then eat a couple candy bars). Read the rest of this entry